


Stimulus and recall

by slightly_ajar



Category: MacGyver (TV 2016)
Genre: Angst, Episode: s02e21 Wind + Water, Mac's dad, Memories, Young Mac, tw - angry parent, unbetaed
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-27
Updated: 2018-04-27
Packaged: 2019-04-28 16:03:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,967
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14452806
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/slightly_ajar/pseuds/slightly_ajar
Summary: The return of a lost memory is an unexpected consequence of the events in Puerto Rico for Mac.“But…” Mac fists balled at his sides as he felt himself grow hot with anger and indignation.“Not now, Angus.” His dad snapped.





	Stimulus and recall

**Author's Note:**

> This is a coda, I suppose, to the episode Wind and Water. 
> 
> This may sound strange but I haven’t actually seen that episode yet, I’m in the UK and we are five or so episodes behind other places, but I have seen the screen shots and gifs from it on Tumblr. My brain took a moment from the episode that has been giffed a lot and added it to a comment that Mac made in Murdoch and Handcuffs and came up with this. 
> 
> I have the general idea of what happens Wind and Water so I don’t think that my not having seen it makes a difference to what happens in this story but if it does, well then I’ll just have to beg your indulgence, and when I eventually do see it I can come back and fix anything that needs adjusting. x

Mac heaved panicked breaths in and out as he looked around his dark bedroom, half expecting to find a violent attacker screaming his way or tsunami roaring towards him. The memory had come unbidden in a dream and the reminiscence had been so intense it was like it had physically gripped him, knocking the wind from his body and waking him with a frightening jolt. 

“Shit” he pressed the palms of his hands into his eyes and tried to slow his ragged breathing. “Shit. Shit!” 

He’d been asleep for about four hours, having crashed out as soon as he’d pulled off his boots and flopped into bed. As much as a person with bruised ribs can flop, it was more of an awkward, rigid tumble. Mac had slept deeply, not really dreaming, until he’d found himself inside a decades old memory, reliving it vividly as if he was experiencing it for the first time. 

He thought about turning the light on but hesitated, not wanting the harsh brightness in his burning eyes. He’d forgotten…for years…the memory had been pushed away and then one moment with those bank robbers in Puerto Rico had opened a door to the place in himself where it was buried. Those few seconds had exposed something he hadn’t thought about for years. 

  


Mac was nearly ten years old, he’d arrived home from school with his backpack on his shoulder and his head full of facts. His dad’s car was in the driveway and Mac called out to him as he entered their house. There was no answer but he eventually found his dad in the den, his back to Mac as he leafed through a pile of papers. 

“Angus, have you moved any of these?” his dad asked without turning around. 

“No, Dad.” 

“Are you sure?” 

“Yes, I wouldn’t touch your stuff. I know you don’t want me to.” He stepped further into the room, closer to his father. “We learnt about NASA in school today. Did you know that the engineers who work there have invented things that have helped the whole world, like artificial limbs and water purification systems? The teacher said…”

Mac’s dad was still turning over sheets of paper and scowling at them, frustration folding his forehead into creases. “You know, it’s really unhelpful if you move anything on my desk, I’ve asked you not to.” 

“I didn’t! But Dad, Grandpa has an old telescope and I thought we could fix it and…”

Mac’s father dropped the file he was holding onto the desk with an angry huff. “Well if it’s not here,” he gestured to the papers then put his hands onto his hips and shook his head, “that means it’s still at…God damn it….”

“There’s going to be a Luna eclipse next week.” Mac continued, hoping to catch a little of his dad’s attention. 

He gave a vague hum in response. 

“I thought we could fix the telescope and watch the eclipse though it.” 

Picking up a cardboard folder and flicked through it, his father’s attention was focused on the documents in his hand. 

“We’ll need to speak to Grandpa, to ask him to find it. Dad?” Mac hated when his father did this. Didn’t look at him, didn’t speak to him, didn’t listen. “Dad! You said we would do something together, like we used to.” 

Mac and Bozer had discussed the eclipse on the school bus home; they’d made plans to sit up late and watch it happen. Bozer would be at home now telling to his parents about it and they’d be smiling and listening. Like he was someone that mattered, their son, instead of someone who was never noticed unless there was a problem. He hadn’t touched the paper his dad was looking for, it wasn’t his fault that his dad couldn’t find it. It wasn’t like the time with the electric screwdriver. His father had said he would show Mac what to do with it but hadn’t. He had asked five times and had eventually grown tired of waiting. He had said he was sorry. 

He was suddenly sure that all his classmates were at home with their parents talking about school and homework and curfews while his dad wouldn’t even look at him. He was tired of being different. Of not having what other people took for granted. He kept trying to reach his father but it was like he was far away all the time, even when they were sat eating dinner together. 

Looking down at a different file as he spoke, Mac’s dad waved one hand dismissively. “We’ll see.” 

“But…” Mac fists balled at his sides as he felt himself grow hot with anger and indignation. 

“Not now, Angus.” His dad snapped as he started stacking the papers into a neat pile. His voice was clipped and Mac felt sharp rush of satisfaction at the change of tone, it meant that his dad cared that Mac was in the room with him even if it was because he was making him cross. 

“You always say that!” Mac shouted, surprising himself with his outburst of anger. “You say you’ll get to me later and you never do!” 

“Just, go and do your homework.” His dad pointed towards Mac’s room with one hand, the other still on his hip. 

“No!” Mac yelled, throwing his backpack onto the floor. He felt lonely and unwanted and furious with the father who still hadn’t turned around to look at him. “You never do anything with me, you promise that you will but you don’t! You’re always working! You never talk to me!” Yelling at his dad was a release, the burn at the back of his throat meant that his father had heard him. He knew he shouldn’t be shouting, his grandpa would say that it was bad manners, but he’d hoped that his dad would want to fix the telescope with him and he’d been pushed aside again. It was finally too much. The hurt in his chest had grown too strong for him to hold it inside anymore. 

The back of his father’s head tilted as he looked up at the celling. “I don’t have time for this.” 

“You never have time! You never have time for me! You don’t care about me!” The uncapped pain and anger that was spilling from inside Mac made feel feral and vicious. He wanted to tear into his dad, to make him see Mac in front of him, to make him feel hurt too. “You probably didn’t have time for Mom, you probably didn’t care about her either, if you’d cared about her then maybe she would have been okay. If you’d cared about her at all then maybe she wouldn’t have died.” 

His dad turned. He’d gritted his jaw and tightened his mouth into a thin, grim line. His expression...Mac wasn’t sure…he almost looked furious but there was another emotion there too, shame maybe, or guilt. 

“What did you say?” 

“If you’d cared about Mom then she wouldn’t have died.” Mac knew that what he’d just said was terrible. Terrible and powerful. It had made his dad look at him. He was trembling with fury and hurt and the need to get some kind of a reaction from his father. 

His dad shoved himself away from the desk and strode towards Mac in quick, tense, steps. As he grew closer he raised an arm and Mac found himself throwing up his own hands in defence, suddenly frightened that his dad was going to hit him. Instead he reached out and pushed his hand into Mac’s hair, gripping a handful in his fist. Mac cried out in shock and pain and tried to twist away but the movement hurt, wrenching the hairs held tightly in his father’s grip. He arched up onto his toes to relive the pull and his father pulled Mac closer, looming over him. 

“You have no idea.” Each word was growled with a rumbling precision. “You have no idea what you are talking about.” 

Staying very still, aware of his stuttering breaths and the grip on his hair, Mac watched his father’s face, wanting to make eye contact with him and see a spark of feeling there, searching for a connection between them. The emotion was gone from his dad’s face, pushed away and quickly replaced by expression that was hard and blank, as if he had carved it into rock. 

“Dad?” 

Mac’s dad released his grip, pushing away with his hand and the sudden change in balance made Mac stumble and trip, gasping in pain and surprise as he landed heavily on the floor. His father stepped around him and walked over to the counter to pick up his car keys. 

“I have to go and pick up a few things.” He said in flat voice, looking out into the hallway where he’d hung his jacket. “Don’t forget to do your homework.” 

Mac scrambled up into a sitting position on the wooden floor, horrified. Devastated. His dad was just going to walk away from him? Mac had just screamed the worst things he could think of at his father and there was something more important to do? His breaths burned in his chest as he felt sobs building inside him. He was never going to be able to do enough to keep his father’s attention. He was never going to be enough. 

“You don’t love me, you didn’t love her, you don’t love anybody!” He yelled savagely through the tears thickening his throat. He heard his father’s undeterred footsteps in the hallway then the bang of the front door as it closed. “I hate you!” 

  


Mac swung himself around to sit with his feet down on the floor. He’d managed to calm his breathing but his body was still trembling in small shudders of reaction. He had remembered arguing with his dad and saying that he blamed him for his mom’s death, he’d remembered his dad’s cold response. Screaming at his dad though, searching his dad’s face for a reaction, his dad’s unwavering steps as Mac yelled that he hated him through sobs. Until now those memories hadn’t been there. 

They hadn’t talked about it afterwards, he and his father, they’d sat having breakfast the next day and Mac had expected to get in trouble, to be yelled at or grounded for what he’d said, but he didn’t. It was like it had never happened. Mac put the memory away and it had stayed locked up until the feel of a strong grip pulling his hair triggered it. He felt the old hurt and rejection as intensely as he had as a boy who was certain that his dad didn’t love him and wasn’t even interested in him enough to hate him. He was indifferent not matter what Mac did. He just didn’t care. 

The light on the magnifying glass on his desk was on, the white circle of light illumination the gear from the watch he had been studying intently for months as he looked for his father, for answers and for a bond between them. Mac walked to the desk and pulled the gear from the vice that was holding it, rolling it between his fingers. He was a grown man now, he had a family, an affectionate if slightly odd family of kind, brave, wonderful people who he loved. He wasn’t a sad, lonely little boy seeking warmth from the one parent had left. 

He didn’t need to do this anymore. 

Mac turned off the light on the magnifying glass and put the gear in an envelope and sealed it. He held the envelope up, looking at it one last time and dropped it into a drawer. Then he turned and walked away. 

**Author's Note:**

> I have a whole slightly unformed headcanon about Mac’s dad, what his dad might have been involved with and what happened to Mac’s mum that is probably about to get Jossed out of the water that I thought I’d allude to while I could. There’s a lot of focus on dads in the show so far and I think it is about time that the mums got involved too.


End file.
